Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Here's The Deal!

One of the first big words
that I learned as a kid was
consequences. So,
Throughout our lifetimes
we make many choices, all having consequences.
Although these choices will usually affect us,
some will affect others as well.
I have been a pretty good person in my life.
I am usually very goal-oriented
and am very easy to get along with.
Here recently, I made one of the biggest decisions
of my life and I will NOT tell you that it was easy.
In fact, sometimes I doubt if what I did was right.
I imagined my future with my fiance as us finding a place,
getting married,
a 9-5 kind of thing but maybe,
just maybe,
some things are supposed to be left as dreams for a reason.
I think that the reason for those kind of dreams
are to keep us going in life, because possibly, one day,
we could have EXACTLY what we wanted,
whatever it may be!
Throughout the last 6 months my mind has been searching
and gathering up as much knowledge
as I can about life and who I really am.
I completely gave my heart away, too quickly.
I fell deeply in love, not considering that in the long run,
I could hurt myself and my lover.
And for that I sincerely apologize,
even though I wouldn’t go back and change a thing.
I spent every hour of every day with him,
we grew as a couple, we grew as people, together.
But I made a HUGE mistake.
I slowly became pushed into my own little quiet world,
where I wouldn’t really talk unless I was talked to,
where I would second-guess my every move,
everything that I did felt wrong and it seemed to disappoint people.
And when that happened,
I was pushed farther into that box.
Separating myself from the world.
I lost everything except for the support of my family.
I felt that I couldn’t please him unless I took what he asked
of me and made it happen.
I will no longer be judged and ridiculed about
what I should do to make everyone elses life more comfortable.
When two people get to the point where they
share something so special nothing else should matter.
And that’s exactly what I did,
He became my all,
my everything,
in some ways maybe I worshipped him
because he was everything that im not,
im not sure yet.
I am trying to get a handle on everything and figure out the next step.
I am not sure how he feels about me leaving,
but I know one thing for sure.
I will always be the good person that I have been from the start.
I wont take out any anger or point fingers at
anyone for the reason of the outcome.
Life is one big ole’ learning experience
and if you cant learn from a mistake,
then you are making an even bigger one in the long haul.
Hopefully someone will take my advice;
never badger yourself about something that you could’ve done better,
but make a silent promise that you will put forth the effort
to not fall back into the situation you could’ve been better at.
I tried to make this one a Vlog entry
but I couldn’t make it through without babbling up the words.
Okay, moving on to the juicy stuff J Pornapalooza…
OMG what can I say?
Amanda from is a-fucking-mazing!
First night in Tucson,
AZ the next in Scottsdale, AZ!
I got to hang out with most of my fave people,
Brandon Baker (, Jason Sechrest (DV8 casting),
DJ Chi Chi LaRue ( Who looks amazing btw!)
and a few porn stars:
Tommy Defendi, Austin Wilde, Jeremy Bilding, etc.
I had a blast, redbulls just don’t taste the same anymore.
The last night was OOOBER wild.
I got to see someone get their coochie ate,
I just couldn’t look away,
it was like the friggin discovery channel in the VIP.
I hung out in the booth with DJ Chi Chi LaRue,
who rocked the hell out of that place.
I watched the classic “Carrie” with my agent, Jason Sechrest,
and Brandon baker!
I just know that we have to work on Brandon’s fear of black socks,
I stayed at the W which was very nice.
You cant get much better than a beach
on the roof in the middle of the desert.
There was pool table dancing, porn star palooza on the stage.
I just want to thank Amanda Brandt
for putting everything together in such a way
that everyone could enjoy it and have a great time.
As for the morning after….
After dropping Chi Chi and Jason Sechrest off,
I couldn’t find my way back to the hotel. It was crazy!
Now I’m in Vegas relaxing and catching a breath
while I work on getting myself back together again.
And thanks to Brandon Baker who can sure put a smile
across anyones face even in the worst of times!
So what I’ve figured so far is that, its time for this
box to be recycled and
my new haircut is definitely one of the best ive had
and I really need some fingernail clippers.
Brandon and Howard ( were right,
it is addicting.
Have a great day,
im about to tweet something,
maybe ill steal a fun little fact from Brandon
like where the red brick road leads to
in the wizard of OZ!
Be safe and have fun!